Quicksand

Crying all night
Alone again, no one by my side
Up and arms, mistakes I made
I retrace, over and over peddling through mud
Death seems like my only friend
Dark, bleak, and black
Who would care as I’m lifted above
Seek and I cannot find
A simple state of mind
Replay of foreplay under covers
Who am I to say who I once was
Who I’m not anymore
Let me be
Lifted high, leaving behind thunderstorms and seas
Floating, flying, dancing barefoot in the kitchen
My feet on your feet
Goodbye my hopeless dream

Mixed Emotions

Today was a bad day and I feel compelled to write, the only way I know how to deal with my mixed up emotions. I've tried reaching out to loved ones but all everyone keeps saying is that 'its nothing', I'll 'be fine', and 'to be brave'. That's not what I need to hear. I need a shoulder to cry on, someone to tell me they are scared too, that I'm not alone. Now that the shock has worn off and I realize the severity of the issue at hand I cry a lot. I try to be brave but I can't find it in me. Perhaps this is just a phase of the process and with time I will muster up courage and strength found somewhere deep inside whereas now I can't find it. I can't help but dwell on my decisions from the past, decisions that I had control over, decisions that shaped me for better or worse. All the regrets I have are now lingering in the front of my mind instead of behind the walls I tried so hard to build. I know quite a few people who will tell me to 'live for tomorrow', 'negative thoughts breed negativity'. In half jest I say these people should keep their day jobs and never be a counselor. For in part you never know how you're going to react until you are in a situation such as mine. Don't get me wrong, I have good days, days when I seize the moment as they say to do, but it become exausting. One step forward, two steps back kinda thing. It feels good to write to no one in particular. I get sick of the comments, yet at the same time I need them. My whole world has been turned upside down, like a suitcase full of clothes when you dump it out desperately trying to find that one article of clothing you were sure you packed. You panic because you need to find it, but you can't. That's my life. I'm searching for peace of mind that I can't find. I know God instilled it in me, but no matter how many clothes I shuffle through I can't find it. I don't even know if I make sense anymore. I feel almost guilty for feeling depressed, sad, hurt, angry. I wish it was easy to be brave. I guess that's why as a society we glorify people that do extrodinary things, because given flight or fright, many choose fright. So perhaps I do have some control over the tumor that's eating up my body. I can choose to accept it and cherish the moments I have in my life and the decisions I regret making. Perhaps this feeling of isolation and lonliness will subside. At the moment I can tell you I do not choose to be vulernable, I do not choose to be scared or weak. I hate the look in people's eyes as much as I hate the doctor personally calling or the specialist to say we can't wait a month to get me in. My goal or intention was never to make people feel sorry for me, I didn't do that when I dad died and I sure as hell won't do it now. I needed support then but was too chicken to ask for it (a decision that changed my life, in many aspects not just how I deal with relationships or my inabilty to keep one because I'm afraid everyone will leave me without warning, a defense mechanism I have spent many dollars on a therapist to tell me). Well now, I'm simply asking for you to be there, anyone really to be there. Not because you have to, because those are the people that give 'I feel sorry for you' looks, but because they want to be there. One of my best friends and I recently had a falling out. I need him but am too proud to apologize for my part in the problem we had. Words said unfathable for normal people to spit out in a business day. Today, through the tears that come every 5 minutes it seems, I want to say 'I'm sorry, I need you, help me'. But the defense mechanism in me says don't for he might be one of the people saying they feel sorry for me, and right now I don't want those people in my life. If I did, I'd call my ex. After time you realize that some people were placed in your life on a temporary basis, to get you to where you need to be. That I don't regret, I understand, take from and move on. Although its much harder to move on after the other person takes no time to realize the little gifts you shared together. Like stained laundry, toss it in the trash and forget about it. Unless its your favorite it doesn't stand a chance of sticking around. I talk about clothes a lot, ha! Maybe because I wear sweats a lot and envy the days of getting dressed up? I can't even be out for more than two hours without getting sick or being in undescribable pain. That's a far cry from the 'crazy Chey' days. Ha, now those were so good times! For those that say 'you choose life, life doesn't choose you', how do they answer cancer? I do not believe in my childhood prayers that I ever asked for this. I did not ask for my body to become a vessel that I no longer understand. Changes have taken over my body as it once was (at least we know why now!). Certain questions float about. Will I ever be back to normal? Its nice to not have to worry about having my period, but will it ever come back? Will I be able to have children? Will I live long enough to have a child? Will I meet a man who will want to be with me as I am, tumor and all? Its a lot to ask. Other decisions I regret. But I can say I've never settled. A quote on my profile states, 'Never settle for less then you deserve, because in the end you get less than you've settle for'. I've never settled. Made some bad decisions yes, but never settled. Idle hands lead to idle minds and I do believe that. Part of my problem too. Too much time lately to think. Get a job, I'm told. Yes, in this market its a little difficult. Plus how do you tell someone that treatment may have you out sick for days at a time with no warning? Don't think employers would be too willing to hire me, and if they did they'd fire me real quick for being out. Empathy is what I admire in a person. The ability to look through someone else's eyes, walk a mile in their shoes. Unfortunetly most people breed sympathy and lack the skills to understand empathy. Again, so many eyes have I found that say I'm sorry but get over it. You'll beat it. Not enough people to say I'm sorry. I don't understand how you feel, but I understand this must be hard and we will get through this one day at a time and together. Where are those people? I've found only two, my mom who cries with me, and my friend Tiffany who is battling the unknown herself. Don't worry, I already told her it can't be cancer because we can't both have cancer at the same time, lol. I guess I should attend a support group, but that's another slap in the face as to the reality of the situation. When I was first diagnosed, a sense of relief came over me, like a ton of bricks were taken off my shoulders. I could talk about it till I was blue in the face, no emotion, a this is how it is mentality. Now that the shock has worn off and I research more about the terrorists invading my body, I can't seem to even say the word. Typing makes it surreal. I can step out of the moment and talk generalities. Saying it, thinking about me in correlation with it, well, its a lot harder to stomach. Wow! I know I'm writing to no one, but this has been so cathartic. Can't say anyone will read this, that I'll allow myself to be that vulenable to people, but it feels good to get it out. My journey. In my words. My nonsense as it sometimes seems reading this over. I think I cry a lot too because I miss my family. I love them and all but my brothers don't know how to deal with this all either. Its a very hard learning process. One sweeps it under the rug, acting like I did this to ruin his life. Another acts like I'm a distant relative, one whose name is said only in passing. And the other, I haven't figured out yet. At least when my dad passed we were a band of brothers, all in it together. I tell myself everyone deals with situations differently but it still hurts. To me, I feel as if the people that should care the most, don't. Maybe they are hiding it-trying to be brave for me. Maybe they cry at night, I don't know, I can't speak for them. But I can speak for how their actions make me feel. And my bestie, I don't feel I even know him enough anymore to predict how he'll act. A relationship that teeters the fine line of someone being put in a life at a specific time for a specific reason. And I'm not sure which side of the line its on. The look back and be thankful for the times you've shared or fight for the memories that have yet to come. A person you'll always hold in your heart but have to let go of, or a person who will continue to bless your life with wonderful passion. I don't know why society is so quick to give up on people. Or even why we are so quick to give up on ourselves sometimes.